


If not later, now

by quima



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:07:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quima/pseuds/quima
Summary: A phone call that changes everything.





	If not later, now

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic for the CMBYN Heart Eyes Writting Challenge, but time got a hold of me and I just now got to finish it. I decided to put it up anyway. I hope it's ok.  
> Please, be ware that english is not my first language. Hope you enjoy it.

It’s almost midnight and Armie is dozing off in the couch of his temporary apartment in NY. He’s suddenly startled by the sound of his phone ringing and is totally awaken when he sees Timmy’s picture on the screen.  
\- WTF! It’s got to be goddamn dawn in London. Something must’ve happened. – he thinks, getting alarmed.  
He quickly picks up the phone and answers.  
\- Timmy? What’s wrong? Are you ok?  
At first he hears no sound. Listening closer, he can make out heavy breathing or sobbing, he isn’t sure. A shiver runs through his spine:  
\- Tim? Is that you? Answer me, please! You’re scaring me!  
A faint voice eventually answers, after a beat:  
\- Yeah, it’s me… - Another sob and silence.  
\- Are you ok? I can barely hear you. It’s very late over there… or too early. Why are you up?  
Another beat, this one longer. Armie’s voice raises as he asks again:  
\- T, are you alright? Talk to me, please!  
\- No… I’m not ok. – Timmy sighs.  
\- What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Where are you?  
\- I’m home, not hurt. Hurting. – Timmy lets out softly.  
\- Why, Tim? Who hurt you? – Armie’s voice raises another level.  
\- Me… - very faintly.  
\- You? What do you mean you? Timmy, are you drunk?  
\- No, goddamn it! I’m not drunk! I just miss you too much! – Tim almost screams, between sobs – I can’t take this anymore, I can’t handle it. I can’t sleep, I can’t work properly, I can’t function, I can’t breathe.  
\- Oh Timmy… - Armie’s free hand rubs his eyes and he lowers his voice – Don’t do this, please.  
\- Armie, I’m a total mess, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. And I just can’t fucking believe that I made this to myself. Talk about clichés… It’s really not about what you want, but what you need… I mean, I thought I wanted this, I really did. I’ve wanted it for most of my life, and now I’ve got it and it doesn’t mean anything, it does nothing for me. All I want is you, to be with you, wherever and whatever I’m doing. I need you like I need to breathe. Nothing else matters. – Timmy gets out of breath and pauses.  
\- I know, sweetheart, I know. I feel the same. But I need you to calm down a little for me, ok? – Armie says softly, trying to convey a soothing tone to his voice. The boy sounded too close to a panic attack for his liking.  
\- No, it’s not ok! Nothing is ok! Don’t try to calm me down! Why did you let me do this? Why did you let me put career first? Why did you let me believe all these people around me who think they know what’s best for me better than myself? Why? – Timmy cries out, sobbing uncontrollably.  
\- T, you’ve got to control your breathing! Take a deep breath and hold. – Timmy obliges. – Ok, good. That’s better. – Armie tries desperately to keep his voice from failing.  
\- Sorry, Arm. I know it’s not your fault. I’m the only one to blame for my own misery. And probably yours.  
\- Shush! Stop blaming yourself. You did what you believed was best for you. And that's never a bad thing. You believed the people you trust and who know you longer. Who know what you're capable of and what you dreamt all your life. And that understand the way the industry works. There's nothing wrong with that – Armie tries to keep it rational.  
\- Stop rationalizing, Armie! Do you really think that helps? Fuck it! – Timmy’s voice breaks as he starts crying again – It’s my fault and I want to go back and I don’t know how… All I know is that I love you and I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be without you. I don’t want to live like this.  
Armie tries desperately to keep the tears from welling up.  
\- I love you too, T. Very, very much. You know that. I’m here for you. Always. Wherever, whenever.  
\- I know! You love me and I love you and I can’t grasp the notion of us having to be apart for the sake of… I don’t even know what! Nothing makes sense. All this longing and suffering… We belong together! What have I done? – getting more and more desperate – Armie! Please help me! Please tell me what to do! Please!  
\- Oh Timmy, I wish I could. – Armie sighed – But you know I can’t. I just can’t do this for and to you. It’s got to be you, Tim. You need to find out what you really want and when you want it. And only you can do that. And whatever you decide, it will be the right thing, because you did it, nobody else.  
\- Armie, PLEASE!  
Timmy breaks down and cries convulsively for what seems an eternity to Armie, who listens silently with fat tears falling from his eyes, incapable of uttering a word. Eventually, Timmy’s sobs get scarcer and quieter, until he takes a deep, long breath and falls silent, like a well that’s gone completely dry, an abrupt and chilling form of emptiness that fills everything around. By this time, Armie has regained his ability to speak and is awaken from his stupor by this sudden freezing silence that alarms him more than anything. He speaks softly, but firmly, taking control:  
\- Tim, listen to me. Listen very carefully. – A beat. – I love you. More than I ever thought it would be possible to love someone. And I’ll do anything and everything just to make you happy, just to have the fucking privilege to see you happy. I’ll divorce Elizabeth, I’ll come out, I’ll commit publicly to you, or I’ll wait for you as long as you need, keeping away and living of stolen moments and phone calls. I’m a fucking sure thing, Tim! It may be unhealthy of me, but I don’t give a real fuck! Whatever it takes to put a smile back in your stunning face, my beautiful boy.  
Timmy lets out a weak chuckle at the mention of his movie.  
\- Don’t laugh. – Armie replies - There’s nothing truer in the world. You are my most beautiful boy. And my king, as a matter of fact! You have a thing for choosing the most fitting movie titles!  
Timmy giggles again, this time a bit stronger and sounding more composed.  
\- I like the sound of that. Do we have a plan? You can think about it when you’re rested, talk to your people and take all the time you need. I’ll be here, ok?  
\- K…  
\- Good. Now, do you have an early call in the morning?  
\- No. Afternoon.  
\- Great. You can use a few hours of sleep.  
\- I don’t think I can do that…  
\- Yes you can. Know why? Cause I’m gonna be there with you. To cradle you to sleep. And to watch over your sleep. Just play along with me. Can you do that for me?  
\- I guess…  
\- Get in bed, cover yourself and put the phone on speaker. – Armie waits – Ok?  
\- Yeah.  
Armie resumes, with a soothing, tender voice:  
\- Now, grab a pillow and hold it. That’s gonna be me. Get comfortable. Lay your head in my chest, your hand over my heart. Can you feel it?  
\- Mm mm.  
\- Ok. My hand is going down your arm, slowly and softly. It goes to your back, up and down, making small circles now and then. My lips are on your hair, then your forehead. You smell so good, sweetheart!  
Tears begin to swell again in Armie’s eyes, and he fights to keep his voice stable.  
\- Just breathe with me, ok? In… And out… In… And out…  
Timmy obliges and syncs his breathing with Armie’s.  
\- … And out. You’re doing so good, babe. Just keep breathing slowly for me.  
Timmy finally relaxes and sleep starts to take him over. Just before he totally surrenders, he mutters:  
\- I love you.  
Armie feels his heart sinking in his chest, but still manages to answer:  
\- I love you too. So, so much.  
The last syllable is muffled by tears who run now uncontrollably through his face. He keeps saying sweet little nothings to Timmy until he’s sure he’s fallen asleep, listening to his quiet breathing. Then, he holds himself and lets go, large tears tracing much travelled paths in his face. He hugs his phone too, like it’s his only lifeline and just stays there staring his wall. Eventually, exhaustion wins him over and he falls into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

Next morning, Armie wakes up with a splitting headache and a sore back from sleeping on the sofa. He immediately looks for his phone to check for Timmy’s messages. There are none. He worries a bit, but then thinks that maybe he’s overslept and had to run to work. He makes himself believe that that’s what happened and that he’ll get in touch as soon as possible. Even so, he can’t help but text Timmy, just to let him know he’s thinking of him: “Hey. Woke up thinking of you. Hope you’re feeling better. Call me when you can. *Heart emoji*”  
Armie’s day goes by slowly and painfully. He can’t get Timmy’s cries from his aching head. He checks his phone compulsively in rehearsal’s breaks. But there’s no phone call or text from Timmy. When he finally gets home, he’s consumed by concern and, as he’s about to call Timmy, he gets a twitter notification. He’s only set up notifications for Timmy, so he quickly opens Twitter. What he sees fills his heart with joy and paints a smile in his face: “finding my way, something is guiding me *smile emoji*”  
Armie can only guess what Timmy means, but he thinks that just maybe he’s made up his mind. He decides to answer his tweet jokingly: “The drought is over!! Thank god! Timmy Tim your tweets give me life!!”  
Just minutes after, Timmy tweets him back: “aaaarrrmmmiiieeee *heart eye emoji* times 3”, followed by: “dude I’m ringing you now have a funny story for you”  
Armie’s smile widens as reality sinks in. His phone rings and Timmy’s picture comes up. He picks up saying:  
\- You goose!  
\- Your goose!  
\- My gorgeous goose! Heart eye emoji!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking the time. Comments are greatly appreciated.


End file.
